Lipstick on your Collar

Ok. An addendum to what we can take on planes...

Glucose: makes sense.
Pills: alright.
Baby food: yeah, those things like to eat... Greedy bastards.
Solid Lipstick: HOLD UP!

While I am against lipstick for its social normalization qualities (see below), I think this is ridiculous. I am against this whole ban thing in the first place, but if you are going to allow lipstick, you must allow other things. Of all things that might explode, I'd place lipstick HIGH on the list. Lipstick is a compound generally made of carbon alcohols and plastics to produce a malleable material, but so is certain an other composition that we see in movies and was used to blow up the U.S.S. Cole

Oh shit. Composition C-4.

Now, I highly doubt that the amount of C-4 carried in a lipstick tube would blow up anything
(that big), but the point is: Don't outlaw carry-ons. A) It's inconvenient as hell, and B) You are never going to think of all the possibilities.

And just because it's culturally engineered to have women wear lipstick, and outlawing it would mean 50% of the population (ok, maybe 45% or less) not being able to look "their best" when traveling is no reason to be selective.

Either outlaw everything, and see your transportation businesses crash. Simply, stop being big sissies.

But then, when in history was the population ever REALLY brave, other than in maybe Sparta.
I just hope "the terrorists" (you know the ones the media and gov't talks about to scare us, oh!) don't decide to poison salt packets used to season McDonalds' fries.


(And now, if that actually does happen, I'm fucked)

-tre

Nick-at-Nite Shows That Made Me The Person I Am Today

1) Superman - After SNICK (back in the days of Roundhouse, before All That, my sister and I would beg our parents if we could stay up late enough to watch George Reeves in the 1950s version of Superman. Not as impressive physically as Christopher (no relation), and in fact it often looked like he was sucking in his gut, but it was kick-ass and all-American. It inspired my life-long quest for "truth, justice, and the American way." Also on Saturday nights was

2) Get Smart - Mel Brooks's hilarious show that introduced the concept of the shoe-phone and the beautiful "Ninety-Nine." The movie, starring Steve Carell, is coming out next year.

3) Happy Days - In retrospect, this show kind of makes me want to "Ralph." But hey, the Fonz is the man and besides Tom "David the Gnome" Bosley, Henry Winkler may be the only talent to have come out of this nostalgic TV show (that's right, fuck you Ron Howard).

4) Wonder Years - What's with old shows and the "measurement of time preceded by a modifier" theme? Anyway, this show taught me what a woman's reproductive system looked like (a cow's head), what Vietnam was (the place where Winnie's brother went), that I was glad I had no older brothers (theyre jerkoffs), to always make sure I get every single bottle cap after I throw a party at my parents' house, and that that chick from the Conan movie was really, really hot. But it also taught me that I will never get the girl I want, no matter how long I spend trying to "lock it down." I mean seriously, Kevin and Winnie not getting together in the last episode was the stupidest fucking thing . . .

5) The Odd Couple - awesome theme song. Plus, now whenever I see Jack Klugman in something else (eg 12 Angry Men or that episode of The Twilight Zone), I get to say, "hey, where's he from? Oh yeah, he played Walter Matthau in that one TV Show."

Was Knight Rider ever on Nick-at-Nite? If it was, include that because it kicked ass. Also, The Muppet Show.











PS: Winnie Cooper is fucking HOTT.

TV Shows and Politics

Britney Spears: Hotter as a Virgin

I'm not normally the type of person who does this, but I was watching Will & Grace today (I was waiting for My Name Is Earl to come on, give me a break) and was delighted to see Britney Spears on the evening's episode. I was not delighted because I am a large fan of Britney's, but rather because Britney was large. Unlike other celebrities, Britney seems to be taking her time in losing her baby weight, and to see her crammed into too-small dresses -- and to finally see her in a role when I'm not distracted by wanting to see her naked -- gave me a good laugh. Unsurprisingly, she is a wretched actress, but there were a couple things about her role that did surprise me.

Firstly, she was playing a 'Southern Belle' type character, but her accent was horribly exaggerated. Strange coming from a girl who grew up in Louisiana, but I wasn't terribly offended. If I was a Britney fan from New Orleans (assuming I still have a television), I might be a little disappointed in the character she was choosing to play.

In a very simplistic send-up of the neo-cons, Britney is a southern television producer who preaches against gay marriage and abortion but is secretly gay and "freaky." I suppose hearing the once-proud virgin listing vague, lesbian sexual terms of which even I don't know the meaning was supposed to be shocking, but I was too busy being shocked by Britney's political turn-around.

Remember when Britney won a Razzie? The Razzies are awards given out to the worst actors movies, scripts, etc. - it's like the Oscars, except the Razzies admit that the films they're awarding are big stinking piles of shit. I know what you're thinking, and no, Britney did not win the award for the unfortunately titled Crossroads (I say unfortunately because I love the admittedly crappy Ralph Macchio movie by the same title and when I tell people how much I love Crossroads they give me the look you would give someone who is a fan of Britney Spears movies). She won it for Fahrenheit 9/11, which you may not even remember she was in.

Yes, Britney Spears won Worst Actress for a particularly embarrassing clip that Michael Moore included in his film so that . . . Anyway, I'll come back to that. In the clip Britney says more or less that people should support George W. Bush no matter what. Now Spears has had a change of heart and for some reason is parodying herself. And looking fat.

And what can we say about a show that has not one, not two, but three guests in one episode? (Britney, Wanda Sykes, and George Takei as his gay self) And "boldly" makes overt political jokes? Does the term "jumping the shark" mean anything to you?

I am, of course, reminded that Arrested Development, in its third-to-last episode, had four guest stars, and in the episodes that followed, featured a storyline that had the Bluth brothers go to Iraq; their progress was impeded when, in Baghdad "Dick Cheney Road [was] blocked up all the way to Halliburton Lane." There are several differences between what that show did and what Will and Grace was doing, however. Allow me to point them out:

1) Arrested Development is aware of what was doing -- this is the show that, in the second season, had Henry Winkler, who single handedly invented the term "jumping the shark" when he jumped a shark in 1984, jump over a dead shark (without the water skis this time).

2) William Hung does not really count as a guest star.

3) Judge Reinhold appeared as himself, hosting a show called "Judge Reinhold" in which he was the judge of a mock trial. Bud Cort appeared as the host of a similiar show called "Bud Court." Brief guest appearances in the name of punnery do not count.

4) Jennifer Grey has had so much plastic surgery that nobody anywhere recognizes her anymore. What was that thing she said about Baby in that shitty movie? I'm pretty sure I could use it ironically here.

5) The Iraq thing was part of a three-year long storyline that has always poked fun at the latest headlines in Bush's War.

That's how I rationalize the shark-jumping of my favorite show while using similiar tactics by one of my least favorite shows to insult it. I believe it's called a double standard.

A Critical Mess.

Now, I understand that it is necessary for movie critics to exist; they keep me from seeing movies like Ultraviolet. But what I don't understand is the critics who: 1) are only looking for movies with a deep plot, but not too complicated. The movie must also have a resounding message which is unique and if bot this critic will give the movie a bad rating. Or perhaps 2) the political movie critic, the dumbass, and then there is 3) the "genre" critic (who really is confined to small things and not much of an importance, so I'll leave them off).

For your first category you need only to look at the nearby NewYorker. I'm pretty sure they only given two movies a good rating: The English Patient and Mulan.

What?

Such criticism causes the reader not to know the difference between an awful movie (Pluto Nash) and a fun but not significantly substantial film (98% of movies), thus the veiwer either: doesn't see movies in general, or accidentally chooses Pluto Nash. You play Russian Roulette with The NewYorker.

The second category I came upon last night, and refund this morning and it pissed me off so much I decided to blog about it (obviously).

Look at the reviews for The Hills Have Eyes, a movie I saw last night :

"I don't care for a French filmmaker making a contemptuous, smug, proselytizing allegory about the legacy of Yankee colonial/expansionist violence." - Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

"And to think that the French wonder why we hate them!" - Scott Foundas, L.A. WEEKLY

ah yes, Now I know why the movie was bad... It has something french in it.. the certian Je ne sais que... Thank you. Amelie, naturally, still holds the bar for worst movie I have ever seen, because it is French. Chocolat ou merde, comme Je dis, parce que it dealt with the French. Because of my thoathing of French, I hate baguettes, crepes, Impressionism, Absinthe, berets, oral sex and also revolutions against an oppressive state... which brings me to my next point, from V for Vendetta:

"...A lackluster comic-book movie that thinks terrorist is a synonym for revolutionary." - Jeff Giles, NEWSWEEK

WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!.... Ce Que?!
Last time I checked TERRORIST WAS a synonym for REVOLUTIONARY, it is simply the side you are on. And taking in perspective of this movie, Jeff Giles must be aligned with the Nazis.
And I also like how "comic-book" is used as a pejorative.
Jeff Giles, you are a moron.

Seriously, that quote sums up the biggest problems in America.

"...A lackluster comic-book..." - pejorative used for something that is not understood
"...Thinks..."- large entities and objects don't think
"..Terrorist..." - evil, never good.
"...Revolutionary..."- AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!! (our forefathers were not terrorists to the British, they were Revolutionaries!)

But V for Vendetta looks good and otherwise received good reviews and The Hills Have Eyes was scary as hell and if you can survive a hour and a half of complete tension (with gaps just long enough to catch you breath so they can freak you out again) then go see it.

-tre

ps. Jeff Giles is a moron.

Google Video Schmoogle Video

Well, I just discovered youtube.com, which lets users put their videos online and share them with the world. Not only does it have all the videos Alen and Tre keep sharing, it has much more!

Like this video of Prince playing the most badass version of the solo from While My Guitar Gently Weeps. Most people who haven't seen The Artist live don't realize what a badass guitar player he is. On his records, hes oddly conservative about displaying his prowress on the axe, but in live performances like this one, taped at George Harrison's posthumous induction to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, he shows how talented he truly is. I missed this when VH1 aired it two years ago, and even gave my computer a virus trying to find it on LimeWire. Thank God for youtube.

Also, something else for which I've been looking for a long time: a highlight reel of the Illinois vs Arizona Elite Eight Game from last March. I've already found a place to order the entire game on DVD, but this highlight video is better than the other one I managed to find on the Internet. Nothing will ever beat the thrill of watching this game in real time -- never have I felt so many different emotions in a two-hour period -- but this highlight reel is helpful for those who saw the game and want to remember what it felt like.

Last and quite possibly least (though not bad at all), they have the Natalie Portman rap from last week's SNL. These Digital Shorts are the only things keeping my respect alive for the sketch comedy show. Hurry up and watch it on you tube; some copies have been removed because of copyright infringement.

I'm Sorry, Bacardi, but you're ruining the Mardi Party.

Alright. Let's make a timeline of the last 6 months in relation to the situation in New Orleans.

August 2005: Hurricane Katrine hits Louisiana and Missippi; New Orleans is hit the worst when its levees break and hundreds of thousands are forced from their home and/or killed. The response to this hurricane crisis, especially on the federal side of things, is inexplicably slow and nonchalant, even though "Brownie is doing a heck of a job." On a star-studded event raising money for hurricane victims, recording artist Kanye West accuses George Bush of not caring about black people. He is correct.

September 2005: Regugees from the hurricane devastation are housed throughout the country. Universities around the U.S. take in students from colleges in the New Orleans area, stadiums and private houses open their doors to those displaced by the hurricane.

October 2005: The New Orleans Hornets and the New Orleans Saints, of the NBA and NFL, respectively, are forced to relocate, as the hurricane has done so much damage to New Orleans that it would be impossible to play there.

November 2005 - January 2006: Shit is still fucked up because of the hurricane.

February 2006 - As Mardi Gras approaches, many wonder what New Orleans, the traditional capital of Fat Tuesday Partying, will do for the holiday. New Orleans announces that it will hold celebrations, though limited in scope when compared to years past. Britney Spears will return to her home city for the celebration.

And, in the midst of it all, Bacardi introduces this:



A simple mixture of Bacardi Rum and Hawaiin Punch, occasionally served with a lemon, Bacardi markets the drink as part of its 'Bacardi Gras' campaign, naming it . . . . . .


The Bacardi HURRICANE










What's next? The Smirnoff Katrina?

Justice is Blind, Jesus Had Children, and People are Idiots.

MSNBC is reporting this story from London about the latest controversy over the *yawn* bestselling book The DaVinci Code. It seems that two English chaps think that Daniel Brown stole from their book The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, a non-fiction book from 1982 which theorized that Jesus knew Mary Magdalene in the biblical sense -- even marrying her and settlin' down -- just as The DaVinci Code does. The 1982 book also theorized that Jesus didn't die on the cross, but instead went to gay ol' Paris and lived out the rest of his life.

“[Jesus moving the France] is not an idea that I would ever have found appealing. Being raised a Christian and having sung in my Church choir for 15 years, I’m well aware that Christ’s crucifixion is the very core of the Christian faith,” Brown said, adding, "Plus, Jesus definitely hates France. Definitely."*

Now, excuse me if I'm being ignorant, but isn't The DaVinci Code a FICTION book? And Holy Blood a NON-FICTION book? We were just painfully reminded of the differences between these two during the Oprah-James Frey embarrassment, but let's go over it again. A NON-FICTION book says what is, or could be the truth; that is, it postulates or reports the truth. A FICTION book, often called a 'novel,' often bases itself in reality, but contains characters, a plotline, and a story which never, ever happened. Novels can contain statements or theories that are true, however.

Now, far be it for me to argue that there is anything original in The DaVinci Code; I regard it as typical bestselling fiction, good for a quick read and not too thematically or otherwise deep. And the concept of a Catholic conspiracy is about as outdated as a Family Guy pop culture reference. But if an author is no longer allowed to read a couple books on a subject and use the information contained within to fill the bulk of his book, then what the hell are Tom Clancy and Michael Crichton going to do? Isn't this a bit like textbook publisher Houghton and Mufflin suing the writers of Saving Private Ryan for suggesting that D-Day was on June 6, 1944?












*He didn't actually say that last part.

HIM, Too Many Bracelets and 15-Year-Olds

I was randomly searching on Wikipedia (PowerSearching, if you will) and came across the "Making Out Page".
Not only is it informative to this strange behaviour. It has the best picture in the world...

(oh, and I love "No Rights Reserved". The picture's from Wikipedia anyway)