Ten Things That Need To Happen Before I Start Liking The World Again

10) All Non-Documentary Films and Television Programs Based on the Events of Sept. 11, 2001 and Produced Between 2005 and 2015 Fail Miserably - Seriously, we remember what happened. We don't need anything dramaticized or melodramaticized or CAPITALIZED on. I don't want to see Nic Cage winning an Oscar for Oliver Stone's upcoming September 11th movie. Movie studios, you should wait until you have a legitimate excuse to make these movies, like educating future generations. It's not a myth yet, like Pearl Harbor or The Civil War. It's still reality.

9) Dave Chappelle Starts Doing Sketch Comedy Again - Because he spits hot fire, bitches.

8) A Constitutional Amendment Concerning Gay Marriage is Passed - But one that states explicitly that anyone can get married to anyone (immediate family members excluded).

7) Someone Shuts Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Bill O'Reilly, and Ann Coulter, oh, especially Ann Coulter, the Fuck Up - God is punishing America for its rampant homosexuality by allowing these people to live. Also, we should go to Fox News, kill their leaders, and convert them all to Scientology.

6) Talib Kweli Gets the Recognition He Deserves - If lyrics sold, then, truth be told, he'd probably be just as rich and famous as Jay-Z. He's got rhymes so bright that when he walks by you gotta squint like the motherfuckin' sun in yo' eye. Lyrics like drugs - he's got you hooked on his phonics. You get the point.

5) Arrested Development Comes Back For a Fourth Season, Either On Showtime or ABC - These last two might not seem that important to some people, but my life revolves around the Bluth family and Talib Kweli.

4) America Realizes That God May Not Be On Our Side - I'm not saying that He's on "their" side, I'm just saying that maybe God doesn't play favorites. And if He does, He certainly doesn't do it based on geography. Or wealth.

3) Racial Equality is at Long Last Realized in America - But hey, we're still better than France. No race riots here for a good fifteen years or so.

2) The Steelers Win Superbowl XL - What can I say, it's important to me. My family is from Pittsburgh, and I lost a dollar in 1996 when The Steelers got creamed by the Cowboys in Superbowl XXX. I want that dollar back, damn it!

1) Bush and his Cronies Get The Hell Out The White House - duh.


Fucking Ouch.

Well, since the Daily Illini's police blotter isn't available for me to link to, I'll just tell you all what happened over the weekend.

"A 22-year old woman was arrested for aggravated battery at the 700 block of South Fifth Street on Saturday morning.

According to a police report, the woman approached a 19-year-old woman and asked her, her name. When the woman responded, she was punched in the face two times."


Need I Say More?


Geschichten Ihnen

Nothing is quite as creepy as German fairy-tales. They focus mostly on "good" manners and the things that happen to unruly children, and most offences end in disfigurement or death. Take, for example, Der Struwwelpeter written by (von) Heinrich Hoffman. Evidently (according to Wikipedia) Hoffmann was unimpressed by other children's stories at the time, and took it upon himself to write a satisfactory one. And Oh how satisfactory it was. It supposedly influenced Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (bad children getting theirs). Der Struwwelpeter himself is a child who is gross and unclean. His nails are long and twisted, his hair a mass of tangles. He's a creep.

My favorite story, Die gar traurige Geschichte mit dem Feuerzeug, "The Tragic Story with/of the Matches", or The Dreadful Story of Pauline and the Matches", is about a girl, Little Pauline, who plays with matches when she is home alone. Of course, the pussy-cats tell her not to , and self immolation ensues.

There are some other stories, like a child who sucks his thumbs against his mother's warning, causing a tailor to come in and cut off his thumbs with rather large scissors.

This grouping of stories is a great gift for a child, really.

Alen's Post Edit:

Speaking of European Fairy Tales, I've been obsessed with Babayaga lately. For those of you who don't remember, she's a russian hag who lives in the woods. Unlike more western witches, Babayaga rides a fucking flying mortar and pestal, and lives in a house with chicken legs. Seriously, I love how tattoo worthy she is, whether it's just a portrait of Babayaga flying across your chest or getting BABAYAGA tatooed on your knuckles. Anyone wanna help me dress up as her house for Halloween?



Although I am not entirely sure this movie is not just an elaborate webjoke, I will blog about the upcoming New Line Cinema Release: SNAKES ON A PLANE. Though I have nothing to add to the dialogue about the movie other than the fact that you really can't trust that dude from ALL THAT. Apparently SNL did a sketch called Attack of the Cobras, using basically the same premise. On top of that the only photos available of the movie are of Keenan Thompson, who is actually on SNL.

I really hope this is a movie, I really do. I wish it was New Year's all over again so I could wish that this is a real movie. All signs point to webjoke, though. If it's on ytmnd, I really can't take it seriously, can I?

However, Josh Friedman's Blog has an extensive post about his work with the production, and there is also an interview with Sam Jackson insisting the title of the film is SNAKES ON A PLANE, but both of these articles could have easily been faked.

If nothing else, maybe people will start using the phrase "snakes on a plane" to mean "shit happens" or "whattya gonna do?" - just think of it as another "jump the shark" phrase.